Been using my grandmother's computer since Thursday, due to "computer problems". I really wish all this crap would end. Such a pain in the ass, and it's got me scared shitless about what might happen if they find anything.

Been hanging in there though. Went to the library today and got some books. Still gotta write that US History paper. Waiting to hear from friends though on whether or not they've thought of a similar thesis. Hopefully they have so I'm not completely off base or anything. Whatever... haven't been writing much at all. A few journal entries, but no fics. Well, let me say the differently, no complete chapters/whole fics to be posted. And only a couple icons. Really haven't been in the mood and all weekend I was busy/Dad turned the power off so I didn't really go on my computer anyway.

What bothers me about this place is that the majority of my previous entries are so damn depressing... Gosh, I suppose I'll have to start new, won't I? Well, I certainly had some fun playing around with the settings, although I think my eyes are about to bleed from reading everything so many times over, trying to pick what I wanted. Such is the price we must all pay.

Well, it seems as though Munch has once again dragged me back to Vietnam, though I must say, again it is quite a pleasant trip. The reading is excellent, though the researching sometimes becomes a bit tedious. However, it is all paying off quite nicely, I think, what with all the reviews and me being content with nearly everything I write for this particular story. I shan't have anything to complain about when all is said and done. Oh, drat. Knew I was missing something...

Other stories are going great, and I've been having inspiration bouts now and again, which keep me thoroughly busy and quite happy. Hannah may think I'm crazy, but at least I keep up with what I start. I've also been making icons like CRAZY, which have been driving my mother crazy in turn, as she wants me OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER! all the time. But all's well and good otherwise.

Must be off to do whatever...

Stabler: The toilet seat was up, you do that?
Harmon: The hell does it matter?
Stabler: You sprinkled when you tinkled.

Painless right there, with Munch and Amy Solwey... *sigh*... I should watch that again.

Been doing better since the other day. Maybe the long weekend did some good other than no school. I sure hope so. Nothing really new happening other than scaring the crap out of my friends. Guess I'll just have to ease up. Find something to loosen me up so I'm not so damned depressing or whatever the hell I was.

Oh well, gotta go. Stupid homework.

It's...it's like this hole. This big hole somewhere inside here. And it hurts. Holes are supposed to be nothing. How can nothing hurt? It's like air hurting. How the hell does air hurt? -John Munch in a fic

So I know I'm supposed to be happy. Supposed to be trying my hardest and maybe thinking about college. CAring about school and my future. But I don't. It scares the hell out of me and apparently my teachers. My teachers even noticed how crappy I've been feeling the past couple months. I don't know how the hell they picked up on it, but they did, noticing things I hadn't and probably wouldn't have.

It's not that I don't care what others think; in fact I'm surprised and touched that they care enough to ask, to make sure that I'm okay. Thing is, I don't know what else to tell them. That I don't know what the hell is going on with me? That I don't know why I don't care? Why I don't give a damn about it anymore? I'm sure they'd love to hear that. 'Oh yeah, I just don't care anymore, but I don't know why.' Sounds great doesn't it?

The thing is, they asked if everything was holding up okay. If my relationships were still good and if I had anyone I could talk with. Of course, I told them that sometimes I found myself staring into space and one of my friends would come up and I'd simply say, 'I'm tired.' Then we would joke. They asked if I was comfortable talking to them. Yeah, yeah. Of course. Load o' bull. They seem to get farther and farther away.

The other day it was like I couldn't do anything right. Make a joke, talk to someone else entirely. Stop it! You're so annoying! What the hell?! Shut up! If I ever hear those again I think I'll just leave. Go someplace and not talk to them. We used to be fine, but lately it's been so stressed it ain't funny.

I got to go.

Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget. -the Eagles 'Hotel California'
We are all just prisoners here of our own device. -the Eagles 'Hotel California'

I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
Like I just stepped outside when everything was going right -Michael Buble, 'Home'

I started thinking about her the other day. Just thinking about how I've forgotten her voice and what she really looks like. Little things really. Then I thought about how it's around the time she got killed. Close to the two year anniversary of her death. I wonder if my mom will make me go with her to keep my aunt company.

It's hard for her. My aunt, that is. Imagine having to live through your child's death. You child's pointless death. I don't think I could survive that kind of pain. It must hurt incredibly.

That's one of the reasons I don't want to have kids. I mean, who would want to raise kids in this world we live in. Look at it and tell me you want a child to live like this. THat's what I thought.

Well, dinner calls.

He just pisses me off beyond belief. When he said the person you hate most, at first I thought of him, because he is so incredibly stupid, oblivious, slow, etc. Take your pick. But then I thought of all those people who tease me, namely Ashley, but I realized it wasn't them I wanted dead. It was someone else entirely.

He took her from us. From my whole family. He let us in his home at Christmas, and then he takes her over to India and hires a couple of guys to abduct her and murder her. Take her someplace, strangle her and leave her on the side of some highway for some unsuspecting person to find.

I think murder for hire is punishable by death, but then again, this all happened in India. He's supposedly in a really bad prison, so in other words, he can get beaten and I hope he dies. I hope he dies a slow and painful death.

I still have the last thing she ever wrote to me. I ripped his name off the card and ripped up the rest of the card but I have her signed name. I have it saying, "Love, Leona" and it's mine and it's someplace special and whenever someone asks me what the most important thing to me is, I think of it sitting there, waiting.

He made me think of all this, that teacher. And I couldn't concentrate for the rest of class. Just stared into space because I didn't want to hear his annoying voice anymore. I just wanted to go someplace and cry and be alone because it hurt so bad. Lord, did it hurt and when I went to my cousin's baby shower, it hurt. And when someone says sunny, it hurts. I try to ignore it, but Lord does it hurt and it's too hard to ignore.

I had a dream the other night and it was great, until I woke up and realized it could never happen. Idreamt that she was back and I was sitting in the living room, watching her run through the house. She was just as hyper as always and just as cute, but when I woke up and she wasn't there...it near broke my heart again.

I've found that I'm beginning to forget what she looked like and what she felt like. I can no longer remember what she sounded like and it hurts. It hurts so bad that I don't know what she was like. I can't remember and I know that in a way it is good that I don't, but I don't want to forget her. I want to have her in my head all the time so I can be with her. Simply hold her would be enough. Sometimes I still see her when it happened. How she lay there all stiff and I wanted her to get up, but she didn't and then...

Jesus Christ...this is hard and I' starting to write run on sentences because this is what I'm thinking and when I get worked up evertthing comes out in one big long sentence and it's hard to stop like right now I 'm doing it and I can't remember my rules of grammar and....

I have midterms all this week and it really sucks. Especially the fact that I just had my math midterm today and I think I did pretty bad. Hopefully I passed. Seriously, circles should die. They are evil, round, never ending beasts which live only to haunt me. Damn circles.

So...it snowed!! Almost a foot, but its a start. Now I can go skiing. Yeah! And fall in the snow and get wet and cold...but still, I get to go skiing!

Stupid global exam tomorrow. I hate him so much. He is like, retarded or something. I seriously cannot believe how stupid and naive he can be sometimes. Like, hello? Anybody in there?

Been doing better overall. Still the occasional bout of melancholy, but hey, nobody's happy all the time, not even Shannon. hehe Still, the worst was probably the other day in math, when, tryin gdesperately to pay attention to review, I got sidetracked by something and started to draw. Not just any pictures though, pictures of what she must have looked like when...

Nope. I refuse to go back there, to that place I was. Not now, not when I'm so close to something better, something more promising. I'm not going back.

So the other night, Sunday to be precise, I'm laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. I'm laying there, listening to my radio, waiting for sleep to come and whisk me away into dreamland, when I start thinking. And not good thinking either, and no not suicidal or homicidal thinking either. More like remembering. Hearing that thump again. Seeing her eyes get all dull and her mought close and her tongue turn purple. It...it was...horrible. I'm getting choked up now just writing it.

You know, I never used to be this emotional with things like this, hen again, hello hormones. Anyways...

I'm remembering, remembering the pain of it all. Walking into school the next day and my teacher going, how are you doing, and here I am, ownderful me, welling up with tears because I can't even handle her asking me how I'm doing. So here I am, on the verge of crying, in front of my math teacher. Wonderful isn't it. and now, i'm thinking about all of this, this whole stuation, while I'm trying to go to sleep. Brilliant, aren't I? That's what I thought.

I wound up crying myself to sleep that night.

I hate some teachers so much. Like my social teacher. Now there's someone who needs help, at least in the teaching area. The guy sounds like Chip Skylark from the Fairly Oddparents. Yeah, he defintely needs help. Damn guy went and basically called me annoying in front of the hole class. Granted its not as bad as stupid, but still. And then, I go and pick on his grammar a little, and he flips and says he'll remember what I said and mke my grade lower on the assignment we just handed in. So, I just went and said that it would be unethical, which of course it would.

Anyways, away from the horrible school and into the life that might not be so horrible.

Whoever the hell said "time heals all wounds" obviously didn't have a good sense of feeling. Guy must've been on crack or something when he said it. Time doesn't heal anything. It just nurses your wounds, putting them under a bandaid until you're ready to look at them again, or maybe not. Maybe time just sits there and stirs your pain, making it worse until you explode Maybe it depends on who you are, how you react to things, stuff like that. From experience, i can tell you that time does nothing for the hurt, except possibly worsen it. If you think it healed the pain, it just made it duller from the things you've done since the wound was inflicted upon you. There is no way that time can heal all wounds, or any fot that matter.

I heard once that "Time doesn't heal all wounds, love does." Maybe this is true, maybe not. Maybe love just softens the blow, softens the pain until it slowly starts to diminish. I don't think any pain, any wound can really go away. Ever.

Oh, and if I find out any of these theories, I'll let you know, but don't count on it anytime soon.

Have you ever felt so terribly alone that you don't know what to do with yourself anymore? As if the world just fell apart and left you standing on the last piece left? Felt like the day you leave this mortal sphere, or what's lft of it, will be the day everything gets better? The day when the Earth suddenly forms back up and everything resumes like it was before?

If yu are an older sibling, especially of two, than you'll get this next part.

Today, I was standing in my doorway, staring into my dark room. Just standing. Just staring. That is, until I hear them. My little sister, laughing and giggling and my parents doing the same thing. They're playing before dinner, at the end of the day and I'm not part of it. It's what I used to do with my parents, and now i'm not. i'm on the sidelines. Watching my family that could function just as well, probably better, without me. And I can't do a damned thing about it. Nothing. Nothing at all.

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

So I'm watchin' SVU when a friend calls and says that she just heard on the news that Jerry Orbach died. Here I am, trying to enjoy some decent SVU, and I hear my favorite guy from Law and Order died. I turn to the news channel and there it is. Jerry Orbach died last night in Manhattan at the age of 69. He has lost the battle with prostate cancer. Best known for his role as wisecracking Detective Lennie Briscoe, Law and Order fans are mourning his loss. I'm sitting there and then the latest report of the earthquake and tsunami death numbers come in. The death toll is up to 80,000 in South Asia. I hate this whole damn planet sometimes.

You know, life sure us funny sometimes. You think one thing, do another, get a different response. It's so weird how you act one way around some people and another around others. Like at home and school, where your parents can't hear what you say, see what you do. Kind of weird, don't you think?